I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
