that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
