Pregnant stripper...not hot.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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