Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
