he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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