please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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