he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
