i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
