she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
