I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
