im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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