Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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