Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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