I showed him my bush... on skype.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize