I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
