I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's official drugs can't kill me
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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