Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
