Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
