That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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