Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
