I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
