I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
