1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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