The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
meet me or not, i'm out of control
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
