Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
