P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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