happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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