my phone needs a breathalizer
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
