Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
