I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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