I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
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