She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
