I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize