I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just want to make out with him forever
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
