Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
