Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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