I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
