Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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