I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
