I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
What a dumb baby whore.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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