As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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