That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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