Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize