So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
