Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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