I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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