some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
