Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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