T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
