3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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