I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
