Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
