she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
