your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
