No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
