i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
