i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
