i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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