I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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