Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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